The Question I Dread & Moments of Light
I struggle with answering the question “Do you have kids”? The psychologist said that I should forgive myself for sometimes just answering no and moving on. There have been a couple of instances where that has been my answer and I felt queasy in my stomach for the rest of the day. Like I had lied and dishonored Alba.
There are also times when I do not feel like explaining everything that happened, especially if it is someone that I may never see again. I reserve opening up my myself and being vulnerable to people I feel safe with and will listen and be empathetic. There is no right answer on how to deal with those situations. Also, there are times when I do not want the other person to feel uncomfortable or bad because they ask what usually is an innocent question and are suddenly faced with a harrowing story.
No matter what I answer, I initially freeze up and get nervous when someone asks me the question. My brain starts to go a million miles an hour going over the possible answers to the question and I think about, who is this person and why are they asking? I analyze everything from the angle of how I best protect myself and this other person.
Perhaps with time answering the question will get easier, or at least I will maybe have discovered the best way to answer it and through repetition, it won't make me relive the events and I can calmly say that I have a daughter but she died at birth. Do I even want it to be easy? Just writing it now was hard.
Like my wife often says, we are re-learning how to live life. There are times where we still ask each other, “why do I feel so tired”, or “I feel like I’m in a bad mood and I don’t know why”. It usually takes saying to each other to realize the answer which is we are grieving and those feelings are part of our day to day now. We try to manage them as best we can and we are constantly striving to find the balance between enjoying a full life, trying to go out and be social, spending time with family and each other with resting when we need to, dealing with the strong emotions that we feel every day and respecting that our bodies and minds are still processing everything and it takes a toll on us.
I do not want to paint everything as dark though. We are having a lot of moments of light and fun. This past Sunday we went to a barbecue with a new group of friends and had a lot of fun. For me it was the first big social gathering that I had been to since Alba and I was relieved that we were able to have a good time and be distracted for a day. My wife and I still go on date nights to good restaurants which is one of our favorite things to do. These moments are key for us and allow us to balance out the harder times. We are both hopeful and convinced that every day the light will grow stronger and the dark will appear less, and spaced further apart.
For now we just keep on learning, growing and supporting each other.